ALEX!

At many a times my singlehood is threatened. It doesnt matter how because i know that's what you are asking, whenever you meet someone new your fear is that you are going to loose your your freedom, freedom to do whatever you want, whenever you want. In the singlehood state it is mandatory to be social, if you wanna meet someone interesting that is, go out with friends, drink, eat, dance, get loose...but not to loose. Go for a book club or a cooking class, p.s, if you meet a guy in the latter, he's a keeper, assuming he's not gay, or you know, do whatever it is that puts a smile on your face. Of course i wouldnt be preaching without trying any of these methods, let's be clear, am not looking, and i wasn't looking, it's more about having fun and seeing if i still "got it".I decide to get a membership at a particular Gym close to home, to tone the abs, let's just assume that i have them. Lately i have been diving in the bottle a lot and i have realised that there's an alien growing in my belly that needs to extracted.This particular evening after work i head to the Gym, anxious and excited, it's been a while since i worked out despite the fact that i have the perfect body...um-um! But that's besides the point. A lotta women are scared of lifting weights, apparently coz they don't wanna look too much like a dude, so they go for aerobics instead. Personally, i think it doesn't hurt to try both of these. So i head on for the aerobics class, after which my instructor advises that if i wanna loose the alien, i have to do crunches, sit-ups and other sorts of exercises, cant remember what they are called. My instructor (Alex) is what some of you might call buff or whatever one word terminologies there are for dark, handsome, tall and well-built males.Yes, he is appealing to the eye, but am not about to go there, i don't pounce on everything that moves, am not a beast! Not only is Alex interesting, he's also interested in me. Not every gym instructor looks at you suggestively with sexy ass eyes and touches you tenderly, "this is not good" i say to myself. I don't know about all of you, but there are just some things that you have to try really hard not to do, like locking lips with a sexy dude who has hard rock abs, wants you so badly and vice versa. At the end of my gym session, i can't help but smile, i always got it, Thank you Alex for being my test subject, in a way. Caution: DO NOT TRY THIS IN THE GYM OR IN THE OFFICE, THIS IS ONLY FOR THE STRONG HEARTED AND THOSE THAT CAN HOLD IT IN.

PINEAPPLES! PART 1.

Wow, can't believe am telling you this but i just saw the two most cutest dudes i have seen in a long time, yes am an ogler, i ogle a lot when i see something nice, it's my weakness, sue me. That being besides the point, when you meet a man who seems to have it all you take a step back and think that either there must be something really off with this guy or simple, God is trynna punk you. The first thing i ask this guy is whether he is married, he says he aint, divorced? he says kinda, ummm...separated? that he is, two kids. Now, am not gonna discriminate against a man who seems to be nice, respects me and is well endowed with nice things that a girl likes, he could be my ticket to a happy relationship, he's doesn't look old and rugged, so what the hell. I say yes to his invitation to go out on a date. On this particular evening i am nervous as hell, excited, anxious, i just met this guy who seems to like me so much, or a little too much, i mean he could be one of those crazies, those guys who get obsessed and start needing you too much. I realize wow, am actually going on a date, yes it'd been quite a while i waz starting to feel a little old, i don't know what to wear so i rush to the mtumba market to look for a little dress, yer i know what you are thinking, cheap girl, but, whatever. So after a while i find a really cute dress that i know this man will like me in. I rush on back home to shower, he gets to my house right on time to pick me up. He is looking well, emmm..good, smells good and so do i, so far so good, i tell myself. Now, this is where a some things get confusing. I like a man who's romantic, wants to kiss when we are out and holds my hand, it shows that he is happy to be with me and honestly, i make him look good too. But when a man comes on too aggressive, it turns me off, i don't like it, 'pineapples!' Could you please give me a little space or do i have to buy it? It is only our first date and already you cannot stop fondling my hands, you wanna kiss me every single moment and am thinking wow, this dude is crazy, am out with a crazy person, what am i doing? So i think to myself, okay let me give him a chance, after all i have nothing to lose. Now, this guy is one of those people who can talk you to death, and even when you are six feet under you could still hear him talk, they will keep poking you to get your attention. It's not even halfway into the date and am already bored and i wanna gorge my eyes out of their socket. Eventually after dinner, we head on to part two of the date which is dancing, and am so relieved that the club is so loud and we don't have to talk. It's 2 in the morning and as he drops me home he reaches out again to kiss me, "ah...uh uh...don't be too aggressive", i say to him. I know am too picky, i know that little things turn me off and that's probably why am single. Am not looking for Will Smith, but could he at least be his twin Kenyan brother?

SALT ON WOUND

Today is just one of those days that you say "i hate life, i hate the world" because of one small tragic thing, when you usually love life. When was the last time you cried, got a teary eye, weeped, shed tears, whether crocodile or real? That question is not meant for dudes coz i know what you are gonna say, "Never...a man is not supposed to cry bla bla bla..."! It's been a while since i cried or got a teary eye, but not on this day, i had to let it out. Well, when your boss yells at you or bashes you for being constantly late to work, you ask yourself, "Why me, God why are you doing this to me?", well it's really your fault that all this is happening in the first place. On top of all this, you are dead broke and wishes to ask for an advance from your salary, you are late coming to work and then you get bashed, you feel unfortunate and now there's no way you are going to ask for an advance without feeling stupid. You can't help but to rush to the bathroom and sob away your frustrations, you come back to your desk and one of your workmates shouts out to you, "why are you crying?", really? as if it was necessary that everyone hears that. On this same day after work you are walking to the bus stop on your way home, you are struggling with a strand of hair from your weave that is hanging on your face and is constantly poking your left eye and you just can't seem to get it off. "Man was made in the form of God", a lotta people say that, and i don't refute that for a second, but i think that after God made us, the devil came and completely transformed some of us into his very own image. A strange man comes from behind you and insists that you walk with him, scrap that, practically persists that you walk with him, and it's not like he's Denzel Washington or Will Smith, it's one of those guys who are usually hittting on you and you wish they were Denzel or Will. So here you are struggling to get that strand of weave away from your eyeball, a stranger is harrassing you on the road even after literally telling him to fuck off, and just when you think, wow, this day couldn't get any worse, a really handsome man is approaching and you don't wanna look stupid or like the world is against you, all you can afford to do at this moment is to smile as if you were not having some of the worst moments of your life. You pray to God that he gets you home safely, and that your shoe strap that looks a bit loose doesn't come out while you are walking, to add salt onto this bit of wound, you have a flu and a runny nose, with red eyes. Happy February!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

It's morning and am standing at the bus stop waiting for a matatu, it's hard  for me not to notice men most of the times, "macho hayana pasia"...someone somewhere once said that! This particular man's ass puts mine to shame, am thinkin' whoa! that's some ass for a man to have, i mean hehehe... ok that's not the point let's not get carried away here. It's the single gal's dreaded enemy and on this particular day you kinda wish you had neither ears nor eyes, VALENTINES DAY! I don't want anyone thinkin' am desperate and in need of some love, na-ah, that's not even close to it, but am sitting in the office, "nding nding...hey beautiful..you've gotta a text message", yer that's my phone's ringtone, i receive a text from Rosa, one of my sweet galfriends wishing me a happy valentines day, lol...could you be any more ironic? no offense Rosa honey. Now am wishing that maybe, just maybe, a secret admirer would send me flowers from the florist who's just around the corner, well, doesn't have to be a secret admirer, anyone. I don't know if sometimes men are just not thoughtful, ignorant, shy, or scared, i have no idea what goes on in that thing called the mind. Am not a huge fun of flowers but if you brought me white roses/lillies (hint hint), i won't be able to resist, i might even plant a deep one on your lips, if you are my type that is! But am not sweatin' it, i know that come evening am gonna go back home to my little palace, pour me that box of wine that i bought last week, cook some good food and soak myself in a comedy series, then am gonna wake up the next morning and forget that this day ever existed.

PANTIES AND HIPSTERS!

So am driving to work this mornin'... Ok lemme not give you the wrong impression, my dream car is still in Germany in the factory, or, wherever they make cars, it's gonna be here in two years or so, lemme not lie. Am driving in a matatu and i see some purple flowers tied all over a few saloon cars and we all know what that means-WEDDING! Am thinkin" to myself, "lucky bastards"! or unlucky, i don know what to think about weddings these days. Not very long ago i waz thinkin' that i would like to make an entrance into my marriage with style, so my wedding would all be assembled with white, white roses/lillies on black BMWs, seeing as these are my fav colours+my fav car so makes complete sense, white suit on the husband to be and the bridegrooms/bridesmaids. Well, am starting to rethink all of these, i mean who am i gonna get married to, myself? that'd be lonely come to think of it, i can literally hear the pastor saying "Singledome, do you take Singledome to be your lawfully wedded husband...yu may kiss the bride"!...Yer, i know, bonkers. Am happy for everyone who decides to settle down in style, i think it makes you wanna work on your marriage a lot harder knowing the amount of time and energy you put into it, meaning financially, compared to you just movin' in with a guy that you haven't built anything together with. He might decide to kick you out anytime, when he meets a much hotter thing than you, you know assuming he's that thick... and you will leave empty handed just like you came because you have not invested anything material in that relationship, and you, if he starts being a bastard and you get tired of his ass you could always just pack your two panties and hipsters and get to steppin', what's he gonna do right? Kudos to bastards who still have faith in weddings and marriage, you are a single gal's last hope.

Strangers Say Hello Too!

Ok, so this mornin' am walking to the office you know, the usual, and a car passes me by, i must say it waz a silver,...or brownish...am not good with certain colours so let's go with either. NOTE: We are goin the opposite directions. The driver waves at me and i mean, i don't wanna be rude and everything so i wave back. then a few blocks down the road i see him again, yer he turned back, who wouldn't? and he stops the car and outta curiosity i stop to say hi. "I see you on this road every morning on my way to work, how are you and what's your name", dude says. Yer so again, am being nice here, i make small talk i mean, i can spare two minutes for a total stranger. He asks for my card and lets face it, when someone (anyone) for that matter, asks for your business card you don't say NO, that's bad for business.

It's lunch time and he calls, like i knew he would. Ring ring ring...hello...Let me save you the boredome. So i ask him if he's married and he says he is, "Well that didn't come as a surprise...considering the look he had, that of a married man", i think to myself. and i say to him "am sorry we have no business talking if you are married, whatever it is you want from me is not gonna go well? i tell him. He goes on n on n on n i say wow! i have to record this conversation this is gonna be hilarious. Wish i could upload it for you dammit! Anyway, th dude that i don't even know the name to, tells me that he knows we are strangers but strangers can say hello too, n am like sure, just don't make it a habit and i hang up...yer i finally decided to be rude.

He hasn't called again, and am eager to hear what he's gonna say when he does...lol...can you guess?

WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?

So am single, broke up with my "boyfriend" a couple of weeks ago, why? because i needed to see if i could be independent and strong on my own, will tell you how that goes in due time. I meet another dude through a certain social network (incognito), seems charming and sweet, but we all know how these kinda stories go, "met up for drinks, shagged, then moved on". Well i wish. Dude stops callin, not that he used to be much of a caller before anyway, texted much. I send him one last text to determine my future, you know, if i should move on to other prospectives or give him time...time which i have apparently coz am single...he doesn't reply and i do the deed that has never been a problem with me. Early mornin, i delete his cell from my contacts, therefore am not tempted to call him and sounding like am really interested in some strange man i haven't met in person yet. Moving on, so when he calls, the question would be... "Am sorry, who am i speaking to?"
Guess how that conversation is gonna go...